Grippler on Trial for Violation of Meep Code AD76

By Daniel Hoisch on August 6, 2013

The following article has been intercepted by the SETI Institute as part of an interstellar radio transmission. While certain professional factions express skepticism as to its validity, the majority of scientific and governmental agencies are confident that this is a real case of accidental extra-terrestrial contact.

 

BEGIN CONTENT:

Well it’s summertime again, and like every Meep knows, summertime equals the perfect season for human abductions. This is especially true for teenagers and young adults, who exhibit a noticeable drop in productivity when out from high school and college. “Their parents probably don’t even miss them,” says abduction agent Tally Kramer. “Many of them are probably happy to have the house to themselves for a few weeks.” While Meep culture does consider it a wonderful public service to the humans to alleviate them of their offspring during the summer, Head of Abduction Operations Graft Clyborne has continuously expressed the urgency of discreteness when invading human territory. Approved costuming regulations are strictly enforced, as many leading Meep advisers worry about our exposure to the humans. Violation of these regulations are dealt with in the strictest of punishments, the latest case being that of Captain Klyde Grippler for violation of Meep code AD76.

What was originally seen as an abduction mission gone wrong is now being looked at as a horrid practical joke in costuming choice. According to the Intel Division, Captain Grippler ordered abduction agents Boe Chtubitzky, Chava Dupree, and Jojo Luxler to infiltrate a household in Seattle disguised as human-sized squirrels. When asked about the reason for this costume choice, Grippler’s only response was, “I thought it would be funny.” Well apparently the joke didn’t sit too well with the household chihuahua. “We barely escaped with our lives,” said leading abductor Boe Chtubitzky. “And Grippler just sits up in his command ship playing cards with his crew and wasting away on a keg of beer.”

The following dialogue has been pulled from the ship’s automatic recording module:

COMMENCE RECORDING:

Crewman Mackel Rover: “You told them to dress up as what?..”

Captain Klyde Grippler: “Human sized squirrels. Hahaha. Those jack heads’ll neverr see it cummin. When they get down there, every dog in the neighborhood’s gonna run em outta town. This might be ma best one yet.”

Crewman Shimmy Halibut: “Just make sure you get those squirrel costumes back to me. You know how much I like to play dress up.”

Captain Klyde Grippler: “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jus make like the humans en ‘chill’ Shimmy. Here, have a beer on me. Yeh look like you could use one.”

Crewman Mackel Rover: “So who’s bet is it?”

Captain Klyde Grippler: “I think we left off with Shimmy. Yeh know, this gamblin thing’s pretty cool. Why didn’t we start doin this 50 years ago?”

Crewman Shimmy Halibut: “Cuz it was illegal?”

Captain Klyde Grippler: “Well there’s that.”

END RECORDING

What is most troubling about the contents of this recording is Grippler’s vile adoption of human dialect and culture. “Every Meep knows that drinking and gambling are frowned upon,” says Head of Abduction Operations Graft Clyborne. “Still, I can look the other way for that kind of stuff, but an actual sense of humor…that is where I draw the line.” It has been noted time and time again that Meep abduction crews are required to base their costuming off of the existing wildlife in Earth’s biosphere. Species secretaries note a significant absence of human-sized squirrels, and therefore classify this as not only a costuming violation, but also as a case of Animal Fabrication.

To prevent further violations in human abductions, Mr. Clyborne wishes to convey this important message: “As a reminder to Meep abduction captains, the majority of approved costuming choices are those which pose little threat to the wearer. The safest choices have been identified as dogs and birds, with small exceptions to cats. Never is an abduction agent to disguise themselves as a mystical creature. We do not need another Bigfoot, Yeti, or Sasquatch roaming the Earth below and terrorizing humans for fun. We do that up here, and we do it for research. Violation of any protocol may compromise our secrecy, and reveal our presence to the humans below. Before we know it, they’ll be intercepting our radio transmissions and displaying our articles on college news networks. If you think the human adult is trouble, wait until you meet the human college student. I would however like to express my gratitude to all of you for not, as the humans say, ‘screwing up’, as bad as the JeeBees did in Loch Ness back in ’33.”

But if we are starting to develop a sense of humor like the Earthlings, then we might be looking at an incident 100 times worse then Loch Ness. Human Social Expert Rog Karmakoren has continuously warned the Abduction Division about the dangers of a sense of humor in a work setting, especially in a human habitat. Karmakoren says that further incidents like these are going to attract unwanted human attention. “They were just lucky to have dealt with dogs instead of torches and pitchforks. Human beings are a notoriously stupid species. If they see someone different, they turn into what’s called an ‘angry mob.’ You don’t want to get chased down by one of those.”

And an angry mob might be just what our Abduction Agents are about to face if this ridiculous sense of humor spreads any farther. To prevent this rising epidemic, Meep advisers have requested the formation of a daily Humor Watch to keep tabs on the Meep workforce and prevent any unnecessary jokes. In his last comment, Rog Karmakoren had this to say: “Rest assured, this sense of humor is not present in every human being. According to our latest research, there is an elite brand of humans out there who have resisted this humor epidemic and even strive to cure the human youth of its effects. They are known as ‘Cops’.”

Karmakoren has expressed a deep interest in further studying these Cops. He has even attended a conference with Mr. Clyborne to discuss implementing certain Cop rituals and routines into Meep law enforcement, particularly into the new Humor Watch. Whatever the case may be, human culture has had a profound effect on Meep civilization, and for better or worse, changes in conduct will be made. Grippler’s trial commences tomorrow morning at 10 AM. All those who were involved in the incident are expected to attend as witnesses. Meep prosecution predicts Grippler’s sentencing to be both painful and degrading.

Possibilities for punishment include but are not limited to:

  • 5 yrs garbage mining
  • 3 yrs sludge fishing
  • 2 yrs banishment as a squirrel, or the possibility of a cockroach, rodent, or toad
  • 2 yrs with organs inside-out.
  • 10 yrs without thumbs
  • 8 yrs without a voice
  • Or a permanent discharge back to the colonies

 

END CONTENT

The material in this message was originally marked classified by higher government powers. Through secret efforts and espionage, a sleeper cell of college students managed to download the material and transfer it to the screen in front of you for your benefit. It is only fitting that we should…

Daniel, stop making up stupid stories and write your editor a real article.

But Mom, I’ve been writing “real” articles for four weeks now. When do I get to have some fun and goof around?

You’re a college student! There’s no room for goofing around. I’ll be back in one hour. When I get back, show me something that makes sense. (Exit)

I think I’ll pass. Being sensible just isn’t sensible. You can always leave room for fiction and humor, no matter what moms and Meeps say.

 

 

By Daniel Hoisch

Uloop Writer
I am a theatre/film nerd who spends his day with his head in the clouds and fantasizing about things. Basically, I'm the kind of guy who's always picturing himself as a super hero. I can never resist a good story, and I'm always eager to look at other people's work and learn from them (both their achievements and their mistakes). This is actually the first time that I've applied my writing skills outside of a classroom setting for the general public. I am really hoping to get some good feedback here, but go easy on me please.

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