The World Since 'Arrested Development'

By Brandt Hamilton on May 9, 2013

 

The possibility of going to war with North Korea has become very real within the last few months. New threats, missile launches, and strange “Call Of Duty” footage filled videos appear almost daily. Yet nothing has happened yet. Why?

While there’s no way to be totally sure, I feel that this has to be because of the upcoming season of Arrested Development. On May 26th, the greatest sitcom of all time will air new episodes on Netflix, and Kim Jung Un isn’t going to attempt to kill Americans before that. Why? Because we’ve been waiting for 7 years for Arrested Development. Kim Jung Un is a bad dude, no one is arguing that, but he’s not a monster. He wouldn’t get in the way of our reunion with the Bluths.

Arrested Development is important to the world. And since the disappearance of the show in 2006, a lot of horrible things have happened, all of which are tied directly to Arrested Development. Need proof? Keep reading.

1. The Recession

When Arrested Development started, unemployment was at 6%. As the show went through its initial three seasons, unemployment dropped from 6% to 4.8%. This is likely because of America being inspired by the clever economic tactics of the Banana Stand. We were inspired by the passionate work ethic of George Michael, who climbed the business ladder from a simple banana jockey to the coveted position of Mr. Manager. We were reminded of our country’s emphasis on competition from that one episode where Gob created a rival stand, forcing both he and Michael to attempt to out-advertise one another. And finally, we learned about having a backup plan from George Bluth Sr., who despite being framed by the U.S. government was able to always keep money in the banana stand.

In November 2007, a time when Arrested Development should have been entering its 5th season, America’s unemployment rate shot up to 10%. Coincidence? I think not. We need the banana stand to inspire us once again.

2. Divorce Rates

In 2010, divorce rates shot up 12%. Many marriage experts argued that this may have been caused by the slight lowering of unemployment that year. While I haven’t had quite enough marriages to consider myself an expert, I will state that that’s bogus rationale. It’s lazy even. The true answer to the increase in divorce rates is more complex than that.

Lindsay and Tobias Funke showed America that a marriage can get out of hand for anyone. Lindsay was passionate about charity work and Tobias was an analrapist. One would think that the mix of kindness that comes with a charity worker and the human understanding of an analyst-therapist combo would be enough to prevent marital mishaps. But alas, even they had to work at their marriage. Just as everyone else has to.

3. Sea Lion Confidence

This part of the article has no statistic. It’s more of an assumption.

The dramatic loss of Buster’s hand to a sea lion greatly raised human awareness of sea lions. Arrested Development reminded America that sea lions are not just “big seals,” as so many of us wish to believe. These are godless water-freaks that have no morals. Now that Arrested Development has been off air for so long, I have noted a significant decline in my friends’ awareness about sea lions. Again, I have no statistic to back this assumption. However, I have noted that my discussions of sea lion hate with my friends have been cut in half.

Arrested Development is important. The Tea Party thinks that putting on wigs and trying to reinstate slavery will revive America. They are completely wrong. What will save America is the return of the Bluths.

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